Monday, July 20, 2015

Parenting: The Mental Struggle

This has been one of my toughest weekends in a long time. Those that know me, know that I have a pretty upbeat and positive person but sometimes the load just gets a bit too heavy. I have really been feeling down, and I wish there was something that I could do to make myself feel better.
Being a parent is hard. Sometimes, parents need a break to be better parents. It is frustrating, challenging, and scary at times. It is also amazing, rewarding, and joyous. Simply put, parenting is a balance and sometimes the scales get a little off balance. That is the best way to describe this past weekend-the scales were tipped but not in my favor.
This weekend was supposed to be kid-free fun but it became kid filled frustration. I found myself in the car, in the bathroom, in the shower, on the couch, writing this post-crying and, to be truthful, I feel like a whining kid who didn't get her way having a melt down. I want my weekend back-the one I was supposed to have. No broken arm, no surgery, no scalp lac, no kids. I wanted meals without bargaining, sleep without interruption, games without kids, time with friends without watching the clock; and it was so close I could taste it. I think I wanted it too much.
It isn't like this was the first time that the kids ruined our plans so why is it SO HARD this time? I think it's so hard because I didn't know how much I needed it until I didn't get it; we didn't get it. As a result, every little thing this weekend felt like a bigger thing. The 4 hours of sleep on Thursday night, Cyver still not sleeping through the night, whining, tantrums, wildness, fighting, hitting screaming, it all felt like too much.
I also think it is incredibly hard because it isn't easy to talk about here. I don't want Cohan to hear us saying how much we wish we were on our trip. I don't want him to feel bad or feel like it's his fault we didn't get our special weekend because it isn't anyone's fault. Shit happens. He has enough crappy things to deal with as a result of his broken arm (missing state swimming, final baseball games etc.) I don't want the loss of our weekend weighing him down. This weekend was just a weekend that wasn't meant to be and it sucks. IT SUCKS! And it sucks even more to not get to talk about it and voice my frustration and just openly have a good cry. I am hoping that by writing this I can start to let this go and get out of my funk and open myself up to a better week.

**I don't want anyone reading this to think that I am not thankful for all the kind words, prayers, help, and gifts. Without the help of our little village, this weekend would have felt much worse. I am beyond thankful that it's just a broken arm. I am forever grateful that I did not have to sit waiting for Cohan's surgery with a whining 6 year old and a melting down 2 year old. We were very blessed to just be also to focus on and be there for Cohan during a scary time. So thank you to everyone that helped or sent kind words, it really was appreciated.**

No comments:

Post a Comment